The thing about real love is that it asks us to give up control in a way that’s a win-win for all involved. It asks us to flow in a vulnerable place, which is why it is so difficult.
A love that claims to be real but maintains a thesis of rigid control and unwillingness to enter vulnerability is not real.
How could it be real? Rigid control and unwillingness to enter vulnerability are themselves symptoms of pride-fear.
How could pride-fear be love? Can a car drive north and south at the same time?
The mind-heart that clings to pride-fear as a protective mantle can learn to give up its position. Opening up and rendering itself teachable to a trustworthy guide, this weakness drinks in truth and is strengthened.
Being strengthened in truth, the mind-heart naturally abandons the thesis of pride-fear and gravitates toward openness and letting things take their natural course.
In order to resolve the problem of unreal love, there must first be the admission of the problem; next, directly facing and engaging with the problem energies. Then, one must render oneself teachable to a wisdom that knows the solution. Then, one must commit to the work of implementing that solution until it is done.
Where is this trustworthy guide, whose truth strengthens, whose wisdom is worthy of teaching? Such a guide dwells in the deep levels of our own being, and yet can appear out there. But it appears out there to the extent we earnestly seek within. “As we emit, so we attract.”
Drastic changes, when undertaken improperly, seldom last long and often are followed by a bounce-back–witness the reality of yo-yo dieting and rebound relationships. There are drastic changes, however, that do lead to a good result; this comes from a proper undertaking.
Sometimes we want to go the slower, incremental route so a system-wide integration can take place over time. These slower changes are more likely to last. It’s like a patient I treated who told me her story of losing 90 lbs. Her goal was to lose 5 pounds at a time, which eventually added up to the great goal. Sometimes great victories are the product of many small victories over time.
With committed correct practice, one merges into a field of real love. An unmistakable presence that’s not the product of the imagination, that’s ever-new and ever-blissful, that is beyond familiar human pleasures.
Then, at least in my experience, the reality of our attachments kicks in and we are drawn back into the realm of drama. It seems that building a bridge between these two broad levels of experience constitutes at least part of the work of upliftment, personal and collective.
There’s a love that knows the way…Red Hot Chili Peppers